How to fight a Terrorist in Beirut

Shit is about to get real in Beirut as more and more terrorists are crawling towards it in hopes of splattering their bloody limbs in public places.
It seems as if these ISIS folks got fed up with anal intercourse submission to mountain goats and decided to take the bus to the city to meet 72 virgins. Ironically they’re looking in the wrong place.
But whether you’re a virgin or not is none of my business, Im not here to judge your choice of boring-immaculate-seriously-WTFwoman!-virginal life. My job today is to equip everyone with tips on fighting terrorism when the time comes.
Call me sexist, gender biased or mizo, no mizaw.. however you spell the word misogynist, but women will have a big role to play in saving Beirut from Armageddon.

Where to swim in Lebanon

Women will complain about these 2 chicks not being Lebanese. Men wont even care if it’s a real beach.

While 5 year old kids dreamed of becoming doctors engineers and firefighters, I was aspiring to become a fisherman. Owning a boat, watching sunsets and chasing titties on the Lebanese coast was all part of the master plan. But fate turned out to be a party pooper; it handed me a suit, a corporate job and a tiny little middle finger.

Beirut you’re mine

Life has been pretty much Times New Roman lately; plain and boring, except for that godsend pair of 32Ds which kept me alive for the past 2 months.
I go by my day trying not to die from garbage cancer, road accidents and phone bills, while at night I crawl to Mar Mikhael looking for answers at the bottom of a Jack Daniels bottle.
Answers to some questions which have been swirling around my head for the past 3 decades: “When is all this shit gonna end? Is Beirut ever gonna change? And most importantly who’s that gorgeous woman at the bar ?”

Why God has forsaken Beirut

This is not a religion

Back in the day when your mum’s gynecologist slapped your ass cheek and sent the first gasps into your fresh lungs, the Lebanese society promptly smacked your other cheek with a name, social class and a religion which you never had a say in em.  And you spent your blossoming years, defending something you didn’t choose.

With 18 sects scattered over the 4 corners of the country, Lebanon is considered to be a religious canteen. And trust me, people are hungry. But what most of them fail to realize is that gluttony is a sin.

How to Pick Up Men in Beirut and hopefully keep them

The things I would do to please my female readers….. Searching for these pics was agonizing. Cropping them was nauseating and Collaging them felt like I was molesting myself. To top it all…they’re not even Lebanese!

 

Ladies, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I suck at math too. But when statistics is playing against you, you know it’s time to consult an expert to beat the odds. After all, a ratio of 7 women to 1 man in Beirut shouldn’t be taken lightly.

By now, your grandma has exhausted her database of grooms from the neighborhood, your mum’s candles melted to no avail at the feet of St Gerges’ statue and your BFFs are sitting around camp fire holding hands while singing Kumbaya.

Your desperate soul tries to find some answers between the pages of Cosmopolitan magazine, only to figure that the Editor in Chief herself is still single. Besides, do you really want to take advice about the mysterious world of men from a woman? If you want to learn knitting, you should ask your grandma not your local bartender.

Fortunately, lady luck bumped into you today and here you are reading what will be the single most important guide of your bachelor days. And because it’s 2016, it’s time to take things in your own hands.

But before we start, here are some basic rules:

The Perks of holding a Lebanese Passport

This is a copy of my own passport…or whatever is left of it

Among all the countries in the world, Beirut was the place where your parents decided to have sex. That’s the good news. The bad news is that sex was unprotected. It gets worse, trust me. History is chock full of people making bad decisions. Yet popping your ass out on Lebanese soil after 9 months of pregnancy should have earned your parents the Oscar for Bad Decision Making category.

The Sand Storm Alarm in Beirut

Pack your bag, kiss your pet goodbye and follow me. We’re about to take the sand storm train to Cancerville. All summer long, our government has been piling up garbage next to our homes, shagging nature in the ass and making a Lebanese adaptation of the “La cigale et la fourmie” story. 

Zein Al Ateit’s Scandal in Beirut (or how Zein el Ateit fucked my dick)

Dr Dick

On average, a Lebanese man spends 95% of his life thinking about his penis. Being a loose cannon who doesn’t conform to statistics, I have managed to surpass the national average with flying colors. But recent socio-political related stress in this city has laid its weight on my Michael Jordan performance in bed.  Having exhausted every DIY remedy invented by my ancestors to boost my bowchickawowow effect, I was left with a friend’s recommendation to visit Zein Al Ateit as a quick fix.

Enter Zein’s office; I was greeted by the wizard himself wearing a black Tuxedo, white gloves stretched up to his elbows and a big smile on his face. With my pants and undies beneath knee level, the consultation was speedy and a prescription to buy a “special cream” ensued. I  left his clinic with a $59,99 deficit in my pocket, “Zeit el Ateit for Ghazel el Baneit”  cream and a restored faith in getting back on the sex podium.

Back home, I waited for the zero dark time mark for everyone to hit the sack so I can start with my mission.

It’s show time!

How to Get Over Your Ex in Beirut

Ever been so heartbroken that Justin Bieber’s songs started making sense? Do you have an urge to swing naked on a wrecking ball while mumbling Miley Cyrus’ lyrics? Is loneliness in bed driving you to go into a mutually exclusive relationship with that thermometer on your bedside nightstand?

I know pal. Breaking up with Lebanese girls can bring even Hitler down to his knees. Women in Lebanon are the elite of demons wrapped beautifully in silky skin. They’re the prettiest hell you’ll ever go to and you wouldn’t even complain about burning down to ashes. 

The Difference between Porn and Politics in Beirut

Political turmoil doesn’t file under the novelty tab in this country anymore. In fact I hardly remember the time when Beirut lived without it. But recently things have been escalating quite rapidly as if someone somewhere decided to push the reset button on everything that made Beirut possible.

Starting this fall, while the entire world was preparing for the “Back to School” traumatizing season, Beirut was anxiously anticipating the back to stone age saga.

At the break of the 9th month, uncle Obama parked 4 fat warships facing our Lebanese coast but showed no intention of dropping by Edde Sands to attend the end of summer beach party. Instead, he anchored around just enough to fake play a match of Tomahawk Tennis against Bashar Al Assad while using Lebanon as a net. Luckily Vlad Boy (Putin) invited Barack for a drink in Russia to calm him down and evidently the Vodka worked like magic.

Now if you’re closely watching politics in the Middle East, im pretty sure you’re completely confused with all what’s going on. Cause truth to be told, comprehending politics in this part of the world is on par with stapling Vodka on a wall or even gargling with Peanut Butter

In search for simplicity, I’ll explain the political situation in one sentence:
Israel, Syria, USA, Russia, Iran, Qatar and Saudi Arabia are playing a global game of death pool and Lebanon is the fucking 8 Ball.