Last week, Lebanon made 2 exceedingly awful choices: electing its Miss and agreeing on its next President. While one will torment our souls till the end of her reign the other might not survive to see the end of his.
On Sat 22nd of Oct, spectators were stunned to witness Sandy Tabet snatch the beauty title from 13 other baffled contestants. A lot of the booties on stage tried unsuccessfully to control their eyebrows for fear of revealing their “WTF r u kidding me?!” reaction. Other unlucky contestants wanted to even poke the newly elected Miss’ eyes with their 20 cm Louboutin heels but refrained upon realizing the show was still on air.
Shortly after the announcement Sandy’s ass got whipped on social media, as people bitched about her unattractiveness. Ironically the question that boosted Sandy’s score during the Q&A session was whether she would choose to be ugly and live long or drop dead gorgeous and die young. To no one’s surprise, she chose to be ugly and lead a long life as plastic surgery nowadays could fix any ugly person.
Other booties went through a complete meltdown while answering the jury’s dumb questions but ranked higher than Sandy on the bangability scale; convincing viewers yet again to turn their blind eye to the collective IQ level present on stage.
All in all, Miss Lebanon was a hilariously disappointing and agonizing show to watch like every year. But surprisingly that was the good news of the week. Earlier that week, Beirut received the excruciating news about Michel Aoun becoming its president.
Saad Hariri decided to back him up and give him enough Sunni votes to seal the deal. His announcement was as painful as having someone rip anal beads out of your ass in a pull-starting-a-lawn-mower arm motion.
At 81 years of age, Michel Aoun will be among the oldest presidents in the world, probably right after the Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe (91 yrs). Roberto came to power in 1980 and refused to step down until this day (think about him as the black Nabih Berri of Zimbabwe). He’s so old now that he has common habits of sleeping off in public sessions and gatherings.
Mugabe taking a snooze while world leaders discuss Armageddon
Aoun is simply too old to be President. Besides, how is he gonna make decisions about the future if he aint gonna be there. Im ready to settle the age argument if that was the main problem, but it isn’t. History books brag about Beirut being destroyed and rebuilt 7 times. Well guess what, Aoun was responsible for probably 2 of them.
This ex Army General didn’t just participate in the never-ending Lebanese war, but kept on pressing Ctrl+Alt+Del every time Beirut was trying to get back on its feet. He started off by fucking the Muslim dominated regions (basically everyone backing the Syrians at the time), then decided to fuck the shit outta Christian dominated regions, then went on to fucking his own army by abandoning them in the battle field and running away to seek asylum in the French Embassy. I tell you, this dude caused a clusterfuck in his prime. But that wasn’t all. Instead of buying himself a boat and spending his retirement in Cote D’azur, Aoun decided to come back to Lebanon in 2005, strike a deal with his arch nemesis (Syria + Hizbollah) and pick up the fuckary right where he left it. For the past decade, he’s been shagging the entire country with his strategic alliances and decisions all in the name of the Christian “Cause”. You’d think living in the French exile would have calmed his nerves down, but no! He’s been hormonal (and im talking about Kardashian level hormonal) ever since he landed in Beirut, so much so that his own followers and allies started turning against him. Let’s face it: When the scale of your military and political failures are so grand that even your own allies turn against you (Abu Jamra (his ex loyal right hand), Berri, Franjieh basically most of 8March coalition), it’s probably time to think seriously about switching to a more fitting career.
If everything goes wrong, Aoun is supposed to be elected our President by next week.
The world will then realize that the US Presidential elections aren’t that bad after all.
Beirut Unforgiven
Forgiving Beirut 