Why God has forsaken Beirut

This is not a religion

Back in the day when your mum’s gynecologist slapped your ass cheek and sent the first gasps into your fresh lungs, the Lebanese society promptly smacked your other cheek with a name, social class and a religion which you never had a say in em.  And you spent your blossoming years, defending something you didn’t choose.

With 18 sects scattered over the 4 corners of the country, Lebanon is considered to be a religious canteen. And trust me, people are hungry. But what most of them fail to realize is that gluttony is a sin.

Bribing in Beirut

I was last to check-in on that plane, and as I placed my baggage on the scale and handed my passport to the airline agent, he hinted the possibility of upgrading me to First Class in return for a “bribe”. His proposal enraged me and blood started rushing to my head as I began a tirade of moral arguments. I explained that his illicit intentions are considered a crime punishable by the Lebanese law and tried to show him the gravity of his acts and their implications on work ethics. I carried on by arguing that such proposals drowns the country into more corruption and offends decent citizens like myself. These practices no matter how common they may be in this country are still considered a violation of integrity and a destroyer of hope for building a dignified society for future generations.

Upon receiving my boarding pass I ended the conversation by storming away from the desk and rushing to catch my flight.

I went thru passport control while reflecting on what happened only to find my self getting more vexed by this experience.

Luckily, the First Class’ cabin crew served me a fine Vintage Champagne while laying on that ultra comfortable bed to clam my nerves down!

Beirut, you and me are alike. We both deserve not to be forgiven

It is your corrupt we claim

One day Beirut will give birth to a different breed of saints

It will punish all the corruption, crime & theft

It will wash away its sins

One day Beirut will be forgiven

Until then, we should all resort to prayer:

“We do not want your tired and sick
It is your corrupt we claim
It is your evil that will be sought by us
With every breath we shall hunt them down
Each day, we will spill their blood till it rains down from the skies
Do not kill, do not rape, do not steal, these are principles which every man of every faith can embrace
These are not polite suggestions, these are codes of behavior and those of you that ignore them will pay the dearest cost
One day you will look behind you and you will see we three. And on that day, you will repent
And we will send you to whatever god you wish
And shepherds we shall be, for Thee, my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand
That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be
In nomine Patri
Et Fili
Spiritus Sancti “

excerpt from The Booncock Saints

The Train arrives to Beirut

While having a coffee on the terrace of a famous hotel, a Lebanese minister asks his American peer: “How do you steal from your people?”
The American Minister replies: “You see that big construction project in front of us?” To which the Lebanese nods back in approval. “This project is worth $100M but we reported that it needed $150M to be completed”
The smirk of the Lebanese minister urged his fellow to ask back: ” How about you? How do you steal from your people?” The Lebanese stands up and points to the horizon: “Do you see that gigantic construction project next to yours?” The American responds in astonishment: “No I dont see anything”. At that point the Lebanese exhales the last puff of his cigarette and continues with a smile: “This project, my friend, costed us $400M”

This might sound like a joke to a lot of people, but to a Lebanese citizen this anecdote represents a daily fact.

One of those recent jokes

6 Easy steps to make $400 Million in Lebanon (Tested and Validated)

Ceci n’est pas une salade

Let me preface this life changing tutorial by reassuring the reader that this is not a hoax or a joke. What Im about to reveal is a 100% genuine bullshit-free methodology which was tested by a Lebanese person living in Lebanon and WORKED
So read carefully as this could be the key to pimpin’ your 9 to 5 miserable life.