How to knock down Beirut with one Arguileh

Im not gonna try to PG13 my writing in this article just so you can present me as “The nice guy” to your parents over dinner. You all know that each post over here has a big fat invisible Parental Advisory Explicit Content sign and by choosing to read this blog you herby accept that you have understood and agreed with the terms and conditions of ForgivingBeirut which were never written nor mentioned anywhere on this blog.

Some things in Beirut are getting more disturbing than watching midget porn or going down on your own grandma. Im not referring to our political parties who are tailoring an election law which secures them an undisputed win way before casting any votes. Im talking about one thing that holds a special place in my heart: Music.

Im a guy who spends endless days looking for this one strike-of-genius song with the same rigor of a gold digger panning nuggets on the riverbeds of California in 1849. So while filtering the fuck ton of tunes on the internet, I’ve had my fair share of unpleasant surprises.

I wasted some of my writing energy in the past blustering about those surprises incarnated as Mariam Klink and Lara “Porn” Kay, thinking that we‘ve reached the rock bottom of the art scene.

I laid it out, got the frustration off my basement and then vowed to turn the page and write only about decent bands and artists who deserve praise. But kids, sometimes Karma shits on you even when you’re holding an umbrella.

I have no clue how I convinced myself to click on this video. I knew I was backstabbing myself in that split second, but I guess my curiosity listened to my rational mind with the same attention that my dick normally does.

So I pressed the play button.

HOLY KARANTINA!

How To Date Lebanese Women: A short guide to Picking up, Dating and Dumping women (a.k.a P.Diddy method)

Women are known to be a specie on their own, but understanding the Lebanese among them has proven to be more difficult than dismantling an atomic bomb while standing drunk on 1 foot inside a ship struck by a typhoon in the middle of the Bermuda triangle & getting instructions over the phone from a Chinese speaking bomb expert.

If you are a man taking a peek at this article, chances are you’re tired of trying to unravel the universe of women and the headache that goes with it.

As your brother in arms, I recognize your agony; after all, hitting on Lebanese ladies is a daunting task that might leave you with an empty pocket, shattered ego and a jar of Vaseline next to your bed.

For that I have sacrificed countless years from my youth and developed this dating bible to serve a great cause for my gender

I know you’re skeptical and reserved about this guide Bro. The human race landed on the moon, reconstructed the big bang, brought to light the Theory of evolution and where the fuck we came from…..but still hasn’t figured out what women want & how to deal with them.

Nevertheless, I want you to firmly believe that my tips are a universal breakthrough which are gonna grant you the key to understanding women and navigating your relationship. If you doubt that fact then you’re not ready to accept my priceless gift and in all likelihood you have a vagina.

In my lifetime I’ve made a reputation for not letting go of my bros. So once you get back to your common sense, grab a bottle of wine, hold on to your seat and get ready for a roller coaster ride of sheer madness into the world of dating Lebanese women:

….And from the ashes of music Rock shall rise

It is no secret to anyone that getting into the music scene in this country is easier than opening a bottle of beer.
Some producers have made it a point to prove that with a fuck-ton of money, even a Broccoli looking broom stick holding a microphone could shoot to stardom. With names like Melissa, Naya, Dolly, Nana, Fifi and Klink worthy of a Disney class reunion, our mass medias have been saturated with low class form of art. From TVs, to radios, billboards and venues our senses are constantly being molested by school-girl-looking chalk-board-squeaking singers, making the task of escaping them more daunting than avoiding your ex Girlfriend who you keep bumping into. Facing their mushrooming presence, most of the music arena has been reduced to ashes.

Against this flood of filth, one band stands as mighty guardians at the Gates of Rock with a sound roaring louder than the anger of Zeus, rising the wall in the face of anyone attempting to enter the fortress without the proper talent.

Rock is Back

Just when the music scene was choking with clouds of incompetence and Klinkimania was taking over the net, the Gods of Rock decided to bestow their finest talents on me. From the same Tube that gloomed my days with songs like “wawa” “bissi bissi naw” and “ I was like baby baby baby oh, Like baby baby baby no, like baby baby baby oh”, comes a clip simple in its melodic intensity and neat in its production.

Ku Klux Klink: How a Lebanese model is terrorising our ears

Not sure which is more painful, getting stabbed, shot then pierced with her high heels, or listening to her new song

So she’s back! Seeking more Internet Buzz. This time there isn’t much to say more than it has been said already.

But isn’t the fact that im buzzing about her considered the pinnacle of hypocrisy? Actually it’s not.

I am here today because I care about your well being. For that I created an ear friendly version of her clip.

After all I know that some men will be obliged to watch this clip for the sole purpose of evaluating the progress made in the domain of freedom of speech for the Arab woman in the middle east. So why not waste 30 minutes of my life to serve this noble cause.

Good Luck

6 Easy steps to make $400 Million in Lebanon (Tested and Validated)

Ceci n’est pas une salade

Let me preface this life changing tutorial by reassuring the reader that this is not a hoax or a joke. What Im about to reveal is a 100% genuine bullshit-free methodology which was tested by a Lebanese person living in Lebanon and WORKED
So read carefully as this could be the key to pimpin’ your 9 to 5 miserable life.

Why Porn Should be Legalized in Lebanon

When it comes to Porn, everybody knows that I am a walking Library. I Love porn. I really do. I love it so much I think they should sell it as Ice Cream flavor. But every now and then I come across an aspiring prosti-singer who’s porn career is in limbo.
And this pisses me off!!
Lara Kay is one of them.
Lara was born in Beirut and raised in (oh come on!!! u dont think I m gonna waste time researching and vommiting her biography…who cares!!!)

More interestingly, Lara stands at 170 cm, busted with 36Ds, blessed with a bullet proof ass, and plastified with over inflated rubber lips ….well at least thats the info I could collect from watching the video…so forgive me if its not 100% accurate. As for the brain, we are quiet certain that it was missing upon her birth.
Who could blame her. Really!

Why Myriam Klink Should Never Be Allowed to Get Near a Microfone

When Myriam Klinkʼs song aired for the first time on OTV that glorious day of June 2012, scientists registered a considerable earth quake around Oum Koultoumʼs grave in the Cairo area. Although no further research was conducted to prove it, people in the neighborhood believed hearing sounds coming from beneath the earth, suggesting the corpse was flipping around itself.

Myriam delivered a jaw dropping performance singing about her cat named Antar, moaning some sounds that Antar himself couldnt generate even if his balls were squeezed, while cat walking her body on stage the way ur drunk girlfriend would do on a naked Japanese Karaoke night (bet half of u r already Googling it….u filthy minded dick heads…so go on)
To say that Myriamʼs song dragged the Lebanese Music Industry to an all time low would be an understatement. Let me depict the picture for you. There is Haifa, then bad singers, then below it comes the wannabe losers with a hit and run epic bad song, then a pile of shit bigger than our governmentʼs debt….then some prostitutes with dick shaped microphones and a handful of daddyʼs issues. Myriamʼs performance dug twice as deep as this list to reach the bottom.

But wait, there is also a negative side to all this